Good love doesn’t equal good sex. So what do you do when you find yourself screaming out his name one second and pushing him out the door the next? What about Mr ideal who is husband-in-the-making but hasn’t learnt how to use his toolbox yet?
So many types of men, so many penises and so many choices and decisions. It’s like buying a packet of Haribo and taking a lucky dip hoping you get the ring or the heart but instead you get the fucking fried egg that doesn’t even resemble a fried egg let alone taste like one…
What happens when you fall head over heels for a man who can’t quite get your heels over your head?
You would give up wine to be with this man. He’s funny, handsome, hunky, generous and every other cliche you can muster up. He’s “perfect” as far as perfect goes. Almost perfect. Nearly.
• He wined and dined you and paid. Tick.
• He took you to the movies and shared a large popcorn with Diet Coke (two straws). Tick.
• He drove you home and opened the car door for you to get out. Tick.
• He kindly accepts your nightcap like a gentlemen. Tick.
• He calls you beautiful instead of pretty. Tick.
• He kisses you sensually and carries you to the bedroom as he removes your dress. Tick.
• He slips inside you, moans a few times and comes. Wanker.
What just happened? Did this man ever learn how to use his fine piece of manhood on a woman? If so you would like to question who taught him and if she was remotely satisfied. How can a man filled with such perfectionist traits be a carton of spilled milk in bed?
Your credit card bill for Ann Summers this year will be extortionate.
What happens when a man falls balls deep into you and you wonder why you can’t fall in love with him because he’s just that good?
If you believed in God it would feel like he was in your bed. This rock hard piece of cock knows what it knows and that’s far more than you. Multiple orgasms, frivolous foreplay and lip locking that just opens your legs for more. Being late for work never felt more stress free. Who cares if you get sacked when getting laid feels this good. This is the man we all want.
Well, we all want him until his army of soldiers are let loose and it’s game over. Then we just don’t care for his presence any longer. Please leave we lay there thinking, or say something I want to hear. Stop talking about yourself. Your muscles were hot when I was straddling you, you can stop with the arm flexes and self admiration now. Ask about me, say something clever or funny. Make me want to marry you and have your babies so I can always have the best sex of my life.
Unfortunately no. He continues on about his protein shakes, how it’s arm day at the gym and the meet up with the Rugby lads this Saturday night which will be really funny because Joe is going to get pinned up to the lamp post naked and he has no idea.
• You mentally decide once he leaves you will NOT sleep with him again.
• You say you’re really sorry but have to get to work early and need a good nights sleep.
• You breathe a sigh of relief as he dresses, leaves without a kiss and closes the front door.
• You head off to work and wished you asked him to stay for a morning moan.
• You are replaying the intensity and passion of the night and have a Kit Kat to cool down at lunch.
• You leave work and see a text asking if you are free tomorrow evening for him to ‘pop
• You ignore the message and stick to your guns and drive home.
• You get home, get in a warm bath and text him to immediately come over.
• You are hooked left right and center on his sex. Shit.
What happens when you meet a man who possesses good sex and good love?
• You found the pack of Revels that had all the coffee flavours removed.
• You no longer have to buy your own tampons.
• You can stop using condoms. (No one likes condoms, lets face it).
• Your shaving foam lasts two months longer than usual.
• You save a fortune buying Cosmopolitan magazine for dating tips.
• You can delete Tinder, it’s OK to do that now.
• You can wear any pair of pants that come out of your underwear drawer. Even his.
Love, sex, passion – It’s not related.
There’s only good sex, bad sex and hot men.
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